John Sheppard swallowed hard. Somewhere behind him, he knew Rodney McKay was watching him. John’s hands were secured to the ceiling, his feet to the floor, and although he was still fully dressed, he felt exposed, naked.

 It was deliciously good.

 This thing with Rodney had taken him by surprise. He had never wanted a man, not sexually. He had never slept with one, never even had a girlfriend put anything up his ass. But Rodney had… snuck up on him. With snark and the oddly appealing combination of vulnerable and invincible.

 But even that hadn’t been enough to get them here. No, that had taken John almost breaking down, being told he either got his shit together or he could go back to Earth permanently, Elizabeth’s wishes or not. The toll of lost lives, of a command he never asked for or expected, of an enemy none of them had been prepared for… John’s carefully crafted façade had gotten some cracks, and it had been his bad luck that a general was around when it started to get more obvious.

 He had gone to Rodney. He still didn’t know what he had expected, had been looking for. But Rodney had listened with more calm than John would have credited the man with, and then given John a choice. He could take it or leave it, but if he took it, there were no second thoughts later.

 He could hand himself over to Rodney, no reservations, nothing held back, and allow him to do whatever he thought was necessary to find John’s center again. Or he could leave, and this conversation never happened.

 He had thought Rodney was kidding.

 He hadn’t been.

 “You’re thinking too much.” Rodney was a lot more composed, quiet, still, than John would have ever expected, back before they started this. “You know the rules about that.”

 John’s breath caught in his throat. He did know the rules. It was always Rodney’s call, not his, as to when these sessions happened. He called, and John came, or there would be punishment later. And once he was here, he stopped second guessing, stopped doubting and just let himself go, trusting Rodney to find all the pieces and put him back together, better, by the time they were through. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m trying.”

 It had been a long day, but not one of the worst. No one had died today, but he was bogged down in reports and paperwork. He hadn’t thought Rodney would notice his growing frustration with the desk-job work.

 He had underestimated Rodney yet again.

 “I know you are, John.” Rodney’s hand settled on his hip, making John jump a little. “But you can’t let go tonight, can you?”

 John whimpered. “No… I… please. H..help me?” He wanted release, wanted what only Rodney could give him. Wanted to just be John, here for Rodney’s pleasure and nothing else. He wanted to forget Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard, for just a little while.

 “I will. How long has it been since we last did this?”

 John closed his eyes, counting back swiftly. “Ten days.”

 “Good boy.” Rodney patted his ass, and John made an embarrassing noise, pushing back a little. That got him a harder swat, this time in warning. “I’ve been busy, so you’ve had time to tense up again. We can’t have that, now can we?”

 That was a question John had learned not to answer. Instead he felt himself slipping a little, felt the knot of tension that curled in his belly -- hot and fierce and waiting to strike – start to ease off. He was Rodney’s. Rodney would make it better.

 His savior, lover – because that was what they were, of that John had no doubts. He belonged, totally, to Rodney now – came around to the front and started to unbutton John’s shirt slowly. “I have something special planned for you tonight, if you’re good. It still amazes me that you made it this long without anyone ever playing with your ass, much less use any toys on you. So far I’ve tried what – list everything I’ve put inside you.”

 John was panting a little now, his cock hard and rubbing against now-damp material. “F..fingers. A dildo. Ice,” John groaned at that one. That had been absolutely amazing and he hoped Rodney would do it again some time.

 “Very good. Tell me what other toys I’ve used on you.” Rodney finished with the buttons and pushed John’s shirt open, exposing his heaving, hairy chest.

 Trembling, John tried to think. Rodney knew what he was doing. Knew talking was hard for John, so he used different tactics to ease him into it each time. This was a new way, and it was making John a little crazy with need, and they hadn’t even really started yet. “C..cock ring, a gummy one and l..leather. Nipple clamps. Fl..flogger…”

 John whimpered again as Rodney’s fingers brushed each part as John talked about it. “Keep going.”

 “The, the little spiky wheel. More ice. Hot.. hot wax…” John moaned softly, only to get his nipple flicked.

 “Ah, ah. Stay with me. I haven’t told you to let go yet, have I?” Rodney looked both sad and smug at the same time.

 John shook his head. “No. S..sorry.”

Rodney finally started to play with the buttons on John’s BDUs. “Tonight I’m going to introduce you to another toy, one we haven’t used yet. I think you’re going to like it.”

 He got John’s pants open, and pushed them down just far enough to expose his entrance. John shuddered, limbs shaking with the effort of holding still, not pushing back to try and get something inside him, or forward to get friction. That earned him a soft smile. “Very, very good, John. You’re learning. I’m proud of you.”

 John hummed softly, the praise warming him.

 Rodney walked back around where John couldn’t see, but he didn’t leave him waiting for long. Two long, slick fingers were suddenly pressing in, making John throw his head back and keen. So good…

 “Given how you respond, it really is more than amazing that no one ever touched you like this before me.” Rodney paused, his voice dropping to a low, almost seductive tone. “And after me?”

 He managed to cobble together enough brain cells to shake his head again. “Y..yours. Always. No.. no one else will ever…”

 “Good answer. You’re just being excellent tonight, John.” The fingers curled, rubbing the secret place inside John’s body that he had never even suspected existed.

 “Please… Rodney... Please…” He didn’t even know what he was begging for.

 The fingers disappeared, leaving John to choke off a sob. Square, solid fingers soothed him, and then there was something else pressing against him, into him. John had barely registered it, when he felt his ass close around it. And then another pressing into him. He gasped, his entire body thrumming with need.

 “These are beads,” Rodney was almost conversational as he pushed them in, one by one. “I’ve wanted to use them on you for a while now, but I wanted to wait for the right time. Last one.”

 John couldn’t stop his reaction, shaking hard, every movement making the little beads jostle against each other. God.. Oh god…

 He whined, whimpered, when Rodney put a tight cock ring on, then pulled his pants back up, refastened them and then closed John’s shirt back up. “You aren’t going to come, and they aren’t coming out any time soon.”

 “Y..yes.” John could barely force the word out. He had already taken the plunge for the night.

 Nothing mattered except Rodney.

 “I’ve always admired the way you move when you do the katas Teyla taught you. I’m going to unhook you, and then we’re going to the gym. You’re going to run through a set. When you’ve done one perfectly – and I’ve watched enough to be able to tell – we’ll return here and I’ll show you what the beads can do as they come out.”

 John’s head popped up, eyes wide. The gym. In public. Like this, with the…

 Rodney just watched him. “You’re a little too good at compartmentalizing, John. You separate what we do here from the rest of your life. That’s why you get so tense in between our little sessions. I’m tired of having to restart every time. So we’re going to break down those walls a little tonight.”

 Swallowing hard, John nodded. His body ached to be touched, but if Rodney wanted this, he would do it.

 “Very good. I’ve taken steps to ensure the halls between here and the gym are empty, as is the gym. We shouldn’t run into any of your men – this time.”

 John couldn’t stop the small moan that escaped at the ‘this time’. That implied Rodney was going to claim him in public again, maybe more than once. He was… surprisingly turned on by that. Comforted in a way, although he was pretty sure some part of him should protest.

 Rodney finally stepped forward, unlocking the cuffs that held John in place. When he went to follow his master out the door, John froze. Oh god. The beads. When he moved. Oh god.

 A soft chuckle and fingers curling around his face forced him to focus. “Like that, do you?”

 John whimpered.

 “I know. Take a deep breath. Remember – you will walk to the gym, and then you’re going to keep running katas until you get it perfect.”

 With a sob, John nodded, obeying. He sucked in deep, heaving breaths, sweat breaking out all over his body. He wanted to let go, slip into that place where nothing matter except what Rodney told him to do. But he hadn’t been given the order to do that, so he fought to hang on, to follow the orders he had been given.

 The walk to the gym was a blur. John had no idea if Rodney’s plan to keep the halls clear worked or not, because his world was down to the sparks of pleasure shooting through him with every movement, and Rodney’s hand on the small of his back, guiding him.

 He knew they must have arrived when the sticks were placed in his hands. “Dance for me, John. Show me what your body can do.”

 With another whimper, he tried. The first try made him cry out, his body begging to be allowed to come. He was sweating freely now, panting hard, but he returned to the center of the mat and tried again.

 In the end, it took him ten tries to make it all the way to the end. It took him 15 to do it perfectly.

 By then, he was crying openly, wordlessly keening.

 “Shhhh, John. I’m here.” Gentle hands pulled the sticks away, then wrapped around him, holding his shaking body close. “I’m very proud of you. You’re beautiful like this.”

 The praise, like before, warmed him, calmed him. With a hiccup, he nodded against Rodney’s skin, inhaling the scent that had come to mean home in more ways than one.

 “Come. We’re going back to my quarters now, and I’ll take care of you.”

 John just nodded again, not really connecting. He followed where Rodney led him, no questions asked. He was beyond questions now. His whole body hummed with need, but he wanted release, desperately, but Rodney hadn’t told him he could.

 Some part of him knew they had to be back because Rodney was removing all his clothes, pushing him to the bed. His hands were fastened above his head, to the headboard. A pillow was pushed under his hips, and his legs were secured with his knees up, feet flat on the bed with a variety of straps Rodney had engineered to accommodate any position he wanted to put John in.

 “You can let go now, John. Let go and give everything to me.”

 John obeyed. His body, his soul, belonged to Rodney.

 “Don’t come yet.” The order was accompanied by the cock ring coming off, making John sob with need. But he didn’t come. He fought his body, trembling, forcing it to obey his lover’s commands.

 “Very, very good, John. You’ve been a good boy tonight. You can come when I take the beads out.”

 That was all the warning he got. The beads were ripped out of him, suddenly, in one long rush. It felt like an explosion, and John screamed as he convulsed. Then everything went black.

 ***

 John woke slowly, warm and sated and safe. He hummed, not capable of much more.

 “Welcome back.” Rodney. His voice was amused, and soft, and full of… something? Suddenly, John needed to know. He had never asked if he was the only one Rodney did this with, did this for, but now he needed…

 “John?” Hands ran up his back, and despite himself, muscles that had tensed slightly immediately smoothed out.

 “C’n I ask a ques’ion?” It was an effort to get words out.

 “Yes.”

 John hesitated. He turned his face into Rodney’s shoulder, breathing him in. The smell had very quickly become Pavlovian, and he let his body melt into it. He whispered softly – he wasn’t even sure Rodney heard him. “M’I the only one?”

 There was a long pause, so long that John whimpered softly, sure he had his answer. But Rodney just pulled him closer. “Yes, John. You’re the only one. I don’t want anyone else.”

 Relief was almost painful. John whimpered again, trying to almost crawl into Rodney’s skin. He needed. In any other setting, at any other time, he wouldn’t have been able to think the words, much less say them. Now they slipped out almost without his knowledge. “Love you.”

 Rodney’s sturdy fingers curled around his face, around his jaw, forcing him to look up. The startlingly bright eyes were gentle, and John yielded yet again, falling into the affection and emotion they held. “I love you too, John. And I promise I’ll always take care of you. Mine now – you aren’t getting away.”

 “Yours.” John whispered it, closing his eyes and smiling. He was loved. Rodney would make sure he never cracked again.

 “Mine.” It was whispered again even as John was pulled close, arranged comfortably. “Now sleep. Goodnight.”

 “’Night.” His eyes closed once more, and John drifted off. The last thought that crossed his mind was amazement that he had found exactly what he never knew he always needed.

 ###